Now that I’ve announced my retirement, Kimberley only says one word to me, ‘documentation’. I try to discuss other interesting things like my idea to invent panty hose with corduroy patches on the inner thighs to make the panty hose last longer or having the sinks in the bathrooms play “Happy Birthday” when you stick your hands under the tap. That’s how long we are supposed to wash our hands so some musical help would be appreciated. She listens politely and always responds, ‘documentation’.
I’ve been doing classroom scheduling for over 20 years. The first draft of my documentation said, “Look at the classes for the semester and put them in classrooms.” I thought that was sufficient. She countered with the suggestion that I leave more detailed information for my successor, something that would make the job less confusing and easier to do. This is what I came up with. I hope she’s satisfied.
First of all, always use the royal ‘we’ when discussing classroom scheduling. This gives the impression that there is someone else you can blame for your mistakes.
Don’t be afraid to act dumb. “What? Building 12 is full of bees? I had no idea. I don’t think I’ll be able to move classes at this short of notice.”
Pretend you don’t understand technology. That way you can always go to someone else’s office for conference calls and you can always get someone else to crawl around under your desk when your computer isn’t working.
Hint to people that they will get better service if they bribe you with chocolate and diet coke. You don’t actually have to provide better service. People are by nature hopeful creatures so just giving them hope is enough to keep the treats coming.
Don’t let people know what you look like. This way you can move surreptitiously around campus and no one will ask you for anything or complain about some stupid mistake you’ve made. It’s easier to remain incognito than to have to wear disguises all the time.
If anyone ever says something nice to you make them repeat it every time they talk to you. For example, Bob Cunningham needed a favor so started the phone call with “Is this the beautiful and talented Deborah Benjamin?” Now I make him start ALL phone conversations this way. If he doesn’t I pretend I can’t hear him until he says it. This is embarrassing for him when he has architects or engineers in his office when he calls but it’s payback for all the rooms he keeps taking out of service.
Learn to only hear ‘blah blah blah’ when people are complaining. It’s so much easier to deal with, “There’s a triple booking in 5-300 and we have 200 students wandering around looking for their class,” if you tune it out as soon as you hear the words triple booking.
Have a good sense of humor but try not to laugh at people. Until you hang up the phone.
Don’t make fun of people who don’t know the different kinds of classrooms: smart room, smart board, lab station, computer lab, ALE room, designated classroom, lecture room, general classroom, lecture hall, dedicated classroom, document camera with smart board, document camera with smart room, whiteboard room, blackboard room, combo board room, etc., etc. It’s amazing what people don’t know. You can’t make fun. Until after you hang up the phone.
Drink a lot of liquids so you need to use the restroom frequently. You don’t get invited to many meetings so constantly going in and out of the office makes you look more important. Carry a notebook.
If you feel compelled to answer the phone after regular office hours pretend you are the cleaning lady. I actually learned that from former R&R Director Marion Miller.
Always side with the boss no matter how bizarre her/his behavior is. You are never going to win anyway so you might as well pretend you go along and save yourself a lot of aggravation. I also learned this from Marion Miller. She had my back against the wall and her hands around my throat at the time.
Wear professional clothes the first couple weeks on the job. This will establish your reputation of being well-dressed. Then you can wear whatever you want—some discretion advised.
Make fun of how stupid your job is before anyone else can. My first week at work I ran into someone who had gone to the same college I had. He was a professor in one of those hoity toity science departments and he said to me, “I can’t believe at St. Lawrence graduate would have a job like yours.” If you are a disgrace to your college, be the first to admit it.
An axiom of this is to not let your children know how stupid your job is. They will refuse to go to college if they think this is the result.
Don’t formally document anything. If you must keep notes on how to do things, make them inconspicuous and very informal—most of mine are on napkins. You don’t want anyone to feel they can just sit down at your desk and do your job.
Likewise, let them see you sweat. Moan. Cry. Slump over your desk with ink smudges on your face and paper cuts on your hands. Splash water under the arms of your blouse and on your forehead. Make retching sounds in your waste basket. Pile papers all over the floor, across your desk, half way out the door. No one will know what you are doing but they will be afraid to even attempt to do your job.
If you have a guest chair in your office, pile it with papers so people don’t come in and chit chat. You don’t want anyone in your office when you are attempting to explain to someone on the phone why it’s the second week of classes and they don’t have a room assignment. That’s embarrassing for everyone. Spare your visitors.
If someone thanks you for helping them pretend it is all in a day’s work. Don’t let on that their room assignment was the only one you did right all week.
Live in some Godforsaken place that no one knows how to get to. That way when it’s cold and snowy you can claim impassable roads and call in. This only works until some overzealous person who commutes from Buffalo joins the staff.
Have nicknames for the people you need to make fun of. I live in Brighton and run into MCC people all the time. If I’m in CVS telling a funny story about someone, I don’t want Ed Martin to know who I’m talking about, especially if it’s about him.
Make it clear early on that you have some body part that will cause a problem without warning. Chronic back spasms, migraines, irritable bowel syndrome—hey, these can attack at any moment and make a good excuse not to come into the office if it’s ever sunny and 80 out. I learned this from my dad who had a cap on his front tooth that he could remove at will. During WWII it came in handy when he needed some R&R. I don’t think this would work in combat but he was stationed in Japan writing speeches for an (allegedly) alcoholic general.
Be nice to everyone. Eventually you will screw up everyone’s room so it’s good to pave the way to disaster with kindness.
It’s been an honor and a pleasure to serve with you!
Deborah Benjamin
Registration and Records
03/25/2014 |